Alone (but not) in the City of Love

First of all, I hate that name, the City of Love.  But that’s a post for another day.

A big goal for me, for this blog, is to be honest.  So I am going to be honest with you about being in a long-distance relationship while studying abroad.

Don’t get too excited, it’s not going to be as juicy as you would hope.

When I mention Sam to my friends here, inevitably the next questions are, “Oh how long have you guys been dating?” and something along the lines of, “Is it hard doing the distance thing?”

Both are fair.

Normally, they’re surprised when I tell them Sam and I have been dating for six years which still feels funny to say, even though I can’t imagine life any other way.

The distance question I always sort of stumble through.  Not because it’s an issue or that I don’t want to be honest, but because I can’t really sum it up quickly.

If I say it’s wonderful it sounds like I don’t care enough to miss him.  If I say it’s hard it sounds like our relationship isn’t strong enough to get through this.

The truth is that most of the time it’s pretty…chill for lack of a better word.

There are pangs when I really miss him. It really sucks that we can only really talk between 4 p.m. and 11 p.m. my time when we’re both awake.  There are days where missing Sam just sort of hits me out of nowhere.  Suddenly, I’m in class and think about him sleeping peacefully in Morgantown.

There are also many days when I feel very content, of course I’m happy to text or call him, but I feel comfortable.

It’s no secret that Carrie Bradshaw is a questionable role model, but a. I worship Sex and the City and b. she was on to some good stuff when she said, “Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first.”

It’s more than just liking who you are.  I’ve learned to enjoy my own company, to laugh to myself and to take pleasure in my own company.  Even when I hang out with friends, , I still have those moments of silence.  I’ll be going home alone on the metro afterwards, and I feel like I am all I need in that moment.  Complete in my own company.

It’s true that I have the ease of knowing that in a few months I’ll be back in Pittsburgh and that Sam will still be there.

The stability of our relationship gives me the freedom to pursue my dream of living abroad without feeling guilty or anxious about my relationship.

As Sam’s sister Emily reminded me before I left, “Just think, before you know it you’ll be 30 and married and boring.  Go everywhere. Taste everything.  Have the best time ever.”

I think about that a lot, and it reminds me that this experience is fleeting (more on that soon), and I have to enjoy it.

That being said, nothing can replace missing someone, sometimes you have to just wallow in it.  But those feelings don’t have to spiral.  Some days I really miss Sam, and some days I’m really happy exactly where I am.  Often, I feel both at the same time.

There’s also the fact at play that we are no strangers to long distance.  This is much longer than usual, but for nine months a year Sam and I live entirely separate lives.

And then there’s an entirely different feeling of missing him that just sort of floats or sprinkles itself in like dust.  It’s the feeling of wishing he was here not just to be with me, but to share the things I’m doing and seeing.

I think it’s best summed up in this quote I found on Pinterest once upon a time when I was feeling sappy.  It’s from the book The Descendants by Kaui Hart Hemmings.

“That’s how you know you love someone, I guess, when you can’t experience anything without wishing the other person were there to see it, too.”

It’s bittersweet to do something like seeing a great concert or walking around Paris at night, and then this tiny little voice says, “Don’t you wish Sam was here.”

And I do.

This experience will always be just mine to cherish.  But his absence still puts a mark on it.

We’re in a space where we’re never completely together or completely alone.  But that’s okay, right now being in a relationship is embracing both.

I haven’t had to sacrifice on either front, and for that I am very grateful.